Monday, July 16, 2012

Feelings...nothing more than...feeeeeelings...

Hi kids. I'm frustrated. Mostly with myself, but a little bit with life.

See, I haven't written anything in so long, and I mean ANYTHING. It used to be I was writing daily - maybe not posting anything, but it used to be that I had notebooks everywhere, filled with pages with snippets and character sketches, and plot points, and - well, you get my drift.

And if it wasn't creative, it was just venting. Even the most mundane things I would vent about. Usually the same shit - my weight, my life, my job, my family, etc. But at least it was writing. These days, I sit down (butt in chair - check), in front of the computer (hands on keyboard - check)...and promptly switch over to wasting time and distractions such as Facebook, Twitter, or the newest thing to catch my attention - Pinterest.

At this very moment, I should probably be working on a project for class on Thursday night. Because this is my only time to work on it. I mean, I have to work both jobs tomorrow, both jobs on Wendesday, and then by Thursday it's due. GLEEP. Do I have a damn clue what I'm doing?

Of course not.

I'm losing focus on my life. I was supposed to go to the gym today, to kick off my whole new "taking care of myself" cycle of life. I mean, I'm a month done on my smoking. Quit cold turkey and feeling good about that decision. I picked up my heart meds from the pharmacy yesterday and started taking them again this morning. Yay. But when it came to leaving the job to go to the gym, I drove right past my cut-off and came home.

To sit on the couch and watch tv.

I'm feeling like shit. I'm mentally exhausted. But when I go to bed at night, I come up with some amazing ideas for stories or books or even blog entries. But at that point, I'm too exhausted to even reach into my bedside drawer and grab the pen & notebook I have sitting there, just for that sort of thing. So I go to sleep, promising myself I'll remember in the morning.

Yeah, well, a dream about John Barrowman (Hell-O Captain Jack) or Lawrence Gowan (but *I* can call him Larry) and I'm all distracted when I wake up in the morning - totally forgetting what I had promised myself I would remember.

I'll reiterate - it's frustrating.

I'd love to have a dozen or more extremely creative excuses as to why this is happening to me but the truth is just as revealing, if not comforting or exciting. I'm giving up - on everything. And this isn't a "poor Miz Angell - life's so tough." type of post. It's a matter of fact.

There are days I feel it's just not worth it. I work two jobs, am not really important enough to count at either, and neither will pay the bills. I sort of enjoy one because I have friends I get to see, but even that is a little downer, because they're all the important people. So while I sit and guard a gate that no one uses, they're running around, dealing with the public and doing what needs to be done. Talk about feeling useless.

And then there's the whole personal life thing - which is just one big old mess that I can't get into. Let's just say I should have let mom send me to the nunnery when she wanted to. At least Jesus doesn't break your heart.

And then I read books on my Kindle that have been published and I wonder "WTF?" Because some of them out there are so bad...and then I remember, art, writing, music - they're all subjective. And it's a good thing because if we all liked the same art, music, writing, movies etc. - life would be boring.

I can tell I'm getting tired because this is starting to wander a little. I have to pick mum up at the airport. She's been in New Orleans for a week, and I envy her (the trip and time away, not the god-forsaken heat). I could use a little time away. But who's got the time or the money to take the vacation?

Certainly not this girl.

Anyway my friends (and that's pretty much all who's reading this anyway), thank you for letting me bare my soul for a bit. I apologize if it's brought your evening down. I promise to try to do better next time.

X's & O's....

1 horny thoughts:

Dayle A. Dermatis said...

You're going through a lot, and you have a lot on your plate. Hell, I worked two jobs with a 3-hour commute...but at least one of the jobs was writing, which I could sometimes do in the backseat of the carpool. I just had no social life and no sleep.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've made a major step by quitting smoking. Pick one thing to be your next step. Maybe it's exercising for 20 minutes. Maybe it's writing 250 words a day (and if you get distracted by the Internets, get a program like MacFreedom, or handwrite and then type it in, or use WriteOrDie).

Down time is important, and crucial for your health. Allow yourself the opportunity to relax.